don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
