I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
