It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
