someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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