I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
