I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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