this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Another day, another engagement, another cat
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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