I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
