wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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