i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
