You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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