Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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