Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
