my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize