She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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