I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
