I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize