i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
