Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
