I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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