I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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