You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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