how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
