i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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