I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
