So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i now understand why vodka
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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