I'm gonna have a badass scar
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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