when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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