I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
