Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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