I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
