There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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