i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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