i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
