This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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