They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Semen is not good for contacts.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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