Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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