plz talk dirty to me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
