I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
