I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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