If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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