new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Fuck appropriateness.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
