Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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