if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
