She is in my trunk
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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