I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm like, not good at living.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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