It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
