I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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