im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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