so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
someone get that fucking seahorse.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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