Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
