I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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