Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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