You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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