Your face is a jimmy john
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
