We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
