I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
