I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
