Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
